I was on my way to the chow hall when I saw a smashed tree frog in the middle of the walkway. I thought to myself, “Awww, that’s too bad.”
Then, just a few feet ahead, I saw another little tree frog. Alive and well. I swooped down and picked it up before hundreds of feet trampled it to death.
I was about to toss it off to the side, in the grass. But then I realized that all the crows would swoop down and get it.
Every day at meal times, dozens of crows perch on the roof tops and wait for the select few who smuggle bread from the chow hall and then toss it out into the grass. I used to be one of those guys until I got an infraction for “feeding the wildlife”.
Now I just save little green tree frogs from certain death. And that’s exactly why I couldn’t toss it out into the grass. The crows would’ve been all over it!
So I put the little fella in my shirt pocket.
Some guy behind me asks, “Did you just put a frog in your pocket?”
I look back at him. I don’t know him. But I’m friendly. I say, “You saw that did ya?”
He laughs. “I wasn’t sure what I saw. I thought I was tripping.”
I say, “Did ya see the other one smashed on the walkway?”
“Oh no!” he says in a concerned voice. “I didn’t see that one.”
“Yeah, it was just a few feet from where this one was.” I look in my pocket to check on it.
“Whatchya gonna do with it?” he asks.
“I’m going to take it in the chow hall, eat real fast, then look for a safe place to release it on my way back.”
By now we’re walking side by side. He asks, “Can I sit with you? I wanna see where you let it go.”
“Sure you can.” I reply. “By the way, my name is Steven.”
He shakes my hand and says, “They call me Hollywood.”
“Nice to meet you Hollywood. And this here is Kermit” as I gently pat my pocket.
Lunch is grilled ham and cheese, chips, and soup. I drink the soup, inhale the chips, and give away the sandwich. Before I get up I check on Kermit. He’s still chillin at the bottom of my pocket.
As I’m approaching the chow hall exit, I notice two guards conducting random searches. I say to Hollywood, “Quick, take off your ID and go ahead of me.”
This is an age old diversion tactic. The guards usually always focus on the inmate with no ID as the others slide on by untouched.
Hollywood steps out onto the walkway. The first guard is all over him…saying, “Sir, stand for search.”
I try to slide on by. The second guard points at me and says, “Sir, stand for search.”
As he’s searching me he feels a small lump in my shirt pocket.
“What’s this?” he asks.
“Kermit the Frog” I say.
“Excuse me?” he says in a surprised tone.
“You’re excused.” I respond in a calm polite voice.
“Sir! What is in your pocket?” he says in a stern demanding voice.
“I told you. Kermit the frog.”
The officer steps around to face me. He says, “Do you have a frog in your pocket?”
“And why is that?” he asked.
I told him the entire story. I even pointed to the spot where the smashed one was. And to my surprise, that’s when he said, “I know. I’m the one who smashed it.”
Then he said, “Now toss that frog over there in the grass.”
I tried to protest by saying, “But the crows will get it if I do that. Can’t I let it go down there.” as I nodded to a safe patch of grass.
The guard barked, “You’re lucky I don’t infract you for taking it inside the chow hall. Now toss it or else I just might infract you.”
I see this is a losing battle. I have no choice but to throw Kermit to the crows.
Just as I’m about to toss Kermit, Hollywood steps in. He says, “Give it here.”
I open my hand and Hollywood swiftly snatches Kermit. Then he starts speed walking down the walkway.
Officer Kill-a-Frog blows a gasket! He yells, “STOP RIGHT THERE!”
Hollywood walks faster.
To my surprise, the guard runs after him. He’s yelling, “STOP RIGHT THERE! THIS IS A DIRECT ORDER!!! STOP!”
Hollywood ignores him and keeps on moving.
The guard hits his “panic button” on the radio. A siren fills the air. Back-up is on the way. But before they have time to arrive, this officer tackles Hollywood.
I can’t believe my eyes! All this over a tree frog!
Hollywood drops Kermit and starts wrestling with this guard. The first responding officer is Sgt. Jones. He grabs Hollywood by the leg and starts pulling it. He won’t let go! He keeps pulling and pulling and pulling. Kinda like how I’ve been pulling on YOUR leg this entire post!
Did you notice the date? Happy April Fool’s Day! How many of you did I get? Hehehe 🙂 My wife suggested that I write a special joke just for today. That was fun!
And oh, I really did get an infraction for feeding the crows once. All they did was find me guilty, and told me to stop.
Have a nice day.