Holding Back


My husband and I had the wonderful pleasure of visiting recently. We absolutely cherish every moment that we’re able to spend together in person.

While visiting we hold hands, talk, laugh, sneak hugs & kisses, and we play games. Steven is excellently competitive. No one in his unit ever wants to play against him. He plays to win. I love that about him.

Steven was winning every game we played. I just expected it to be that way. At one point I think I may have even gotten a little bored, in the sense that I knew he was going to win.

Then he told me, “Step it up. Play to win, baby.”

Later that night in my motel, I thought about what he told me. Then, I asked myself if I was even really trying to win? No, I wasn’t. And I didn’t understand why.

The next day I walked into that visiting room, and you know what? I won EVERY single game over the next three days straight! I think I surprised the both of us.

Sometimes we were neck-to-neck the entire game, and other times I won by a land slide. It was fun! I asked if he was “throwing” the games. He said no. I believed him because we are honest with one another.

It felt sooo good to win. I’m not at all familiar with this feeling.

When you put your mind to it and put forth effort…there’s a certain rush you get when you succeed.

Why was I holding back?

And what else am I holding back on?

It’s silly how something so small can get you thinking about something so much bigger. Have I been holding back my full potential in other areas of my life?

Perhaps making this realization and connection is a step in the right direction.

I think maybe I was embarrassed to win…embarrassed to show him that I can be better. Because by bettering myself, I may feel as though I’m not good the way I am right now.

I didn’t realize how good it could feel to work towards something and succeed. I definitely want to get familiar with this feeling!

Now I must work hard in other areas of my life…our life. I need to remember the amazing feelings of achievement that I am capable of experiencing.



Suzie Jennings


Author: Steven & Suzie Jennings

She was raised as a Mormon, and he is a convict serving 43 years in prison. This blog offers a glimpse into two vastly different worlds that somehow came crashing together. Join them on their journey through prison life & married life.

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