At some point almost everyone ponders the question, “Is there really a God?”
For years I kept that thought to myself. Even when I was on fire for the Lord. I wondered in the back of my mind if He was real.
I prayed thousands of prayers asking for clarity. I was conflicted. I still am conflicted. Is God real?
One thing that I am NOT conflicted on is the fact that if you live by the laws of the Bible, you’ll live a righteous life.
Early on in my incarceration, I turned away from religion. However, I continued to pray to a God that I didn’t know for sure even existed. I want to believe in God. But for some reason, my mind questions Him.
So for 15+ years I lived without God. I attempted to rehabilitate myself and to live a righteous life without Him. I attempted to do all the right things without God.
How’d that work out for me?
Not good! I continued to get in fights. I still had excess turmoil and conflict in my life. There was a key element I couldn’t figure out. There was something I didn’t quite understand. As a result, I continued to suffer.
For example: On 8/13/12, I went to the hole for no reason. They placed me on “Administrative Segregation”. (also known as: Ad Seg.) The Ad Seg Referral looked like this:
I couldn’t believe it! It all was a lie! At my Ad Seg hearing, they read me the entire referral then asked, “Do you understand why you’re in Seg?”
I said, “No.”
“What don’t you understand?” he said in a curt voice.
I said, “Everything in that statement is a lie.”
He responded, “The investigation will determine that.”
Then a lady on the committee asks, “Did they take $400 in your commissary from you?”
“No. They took about $195 in commissary. And I have a receipt for everything. My receipts are in a green folder marked “RECEIPTS.”
At this point a coupe committee people look at each other then shuffle through a few papers. The statement I just gave them is either true or false. There’s no gray area. There’s no debate. I have their full attention.
I break the silence by saying, “Some inmates are just mad at me, so they told you guys lies to get me in trouble. I’ve never strongarmed anyone. And I surely don’t need any protection.”
The lady quickly asks, “Why would inmates be mad at you?”
I pause for a moment of thought then say, “I’m not exactly sure. The only thing that comes to mind is something that happened last week.”
“What happened last week?”
I told her, “Some weirdo (see: Prison Glossary) kept on trying to talk to me. At first I was polite. But then he started to make a habit of it. So I told him to “get the f**k away from me and don’t ever talk to me unless I talk to you first.” Then I turned to his little weirdo crew and said, “That goes for all of you.’”
Again, the Ad Seg committee all looked at each other.
I offered one last statement, “I was telling people to leave me alone…not strongarming them.”
Three days later I was cleared of all charges. No infraction was written. They put me back in the same unit, and in the same cell. They apologized and gave me back all my commissary. I had to show receipts…but they gave it all back.
These type of things littered my life. I was not in harmony with the word of God. I did not live by the scripture. I would pray every now and then, but that was it.
Proverbs 18:7 says, A fools mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul.
Ain’t that the truth!
Today I use the Bible to guide me. I believe in the fundamental teachings. I apply the scripture to my daily living.
Does God exist? I don’t know. I can’t lie to myself. And I won’t lie to you. I am still conflicted.
But one thing I know without a doubt: When I live according to the Bible, my life is so much better. I truly feel blessed.
1 Peter 3:8
My humble prayer request: “Please God, show me the way.”