Saying “Sorry” Isn’t Enough

Back in 1994, I lost complete control of myself and my actions. Trapped in a self-induced drunken rage, I shot four young men and terrified countless bystanders. The pain I caused does not stop there. My actions also wounded the friends & family of those I hurt directly, and my own friends & family as well.

I take full responsibility for my actions. I blame no one but myself. I realize the magnitude of what I’ve done. I realize what I did was horrific, and to many…unforgivable.

With all my heart & soul, I am very sorry for all the pain that I’ve ever caused anyone. “I am so so so sorry.”

I know that saying sorry isn’t enough. There is nothing I can ever do to change the past, or to make things right. All I can do is serve humanity with kindness, love, and respect. With the spirit of a sorry heart, it is my desire to serve and to give back to all the lives that I have wrongfully affected.

As I write and sell books I will make money. A portion of all profits will go to the people who I’ve hurt. I’m not trying to buy forgiveness. I’m just trying to give back any way that I can. In addition to compensating the ones I’ve hurt, I will also make donations to the following charities:

* The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
* Families & Friends of Violent Crime Victims (Victim Support Services)

It is my true & sincere desire to live the rest of my life in peace, love, and harmony.

If you are due any compensation, please contact me and we’ll work it out.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Steven Jennings

Author: Steven & Suzie Jennings

She was raised as a Mormon, and he is a convict serving 43 years in prison. This blog offers a glimpse into two vastly different worlds that somehow came crashing together. Join them on their journey through prison life & married life.

15 thoughts

  1. How do you think you could have been helped to deal with your “violence”? How uncontrollable is it? I ask because I had a violent father and I wonder if he could have done something to prevent his behaviour. I struggle with this. You show remorse and that shows you are capable of feeling.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Great question! Thanks for your patience while waiting for my response. I’ve spent countless hours thinking about this. It all starts with early childhood development. I was born into a violent world. In the 3rd grade a principal told my mother that I was headed to prison if something didn’t change. So at that point, I wonder what could’ve been done.

    Here are my thoughts on that:

    I needed a positive role model. I needed structure. I needed positive reinforcement. I needed more hugs and less beatings. I needed to know what it feels like to do something good and then get praised for it. I needed positive activities in my life that I would’ve developed a passion for.

    To a degree, every child is born with criminal capabilities. It’s up to parents to teach, mold, and lead by example. As a child, I didn’t have a choice regarding my environment or how I was molded. I now have a choice. I now have clarity and understanding. I now have a positive passion and a desire to change. Love & harmony feels so much better than hate & conflict. The choice is now mine. Today, I have a great deal of self control. I am the master of my mind. Thank you for the comment.

    -Steven

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Dear Steven,
    I have no idea how or what attracted you to jeanw5 but I do hope it was to connect with messages from Spirit, who teaches me that we must accept responsibility for our own responses to situations that we did not necessarily create, consequences of which can be, as they were in your case, tragic and irreparable. Something has been smashes and the pieces will not easily get back together, if at all. But, we can learn from our past and move on, even if with limited paths to choose from. You have and are creating a path for yourself, and possibly, through just being you, a role model for countless young, and not so young people who might be asking themselves, where do I go from here.
    You have overcome. Keep up the good work.
    Love,
    Jean

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello Steven – thank you for replying. I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to comment, but I only saw your response today. I am happy to know that you now have a great deal of self control and you are the master of your mind. I hope that this positivity remains with you and that you will in time be able to demonstrate these attributes from a place of freedom. Thank you for giving me your thoughts about your violent path/journey. I too come from a violent home, the brutality and abuse I (and my mother and brother) experienced did not turn me into a violent person, but it made me very nervous, scared, depressed, suicidal and deeply unhappy. I have longed to find out why my father treated us this way, but have no answers. My conclusion is that coming from a violent place does not necessarily mean that you have to be violent as a result. The tragedy of violence on a life is that it can impact individuals in different ways. If it only impacted on someone in the way that they too become violent, perhaps it would be easier to treat this disease. You would know what it is you are dealing with. But the fact that one person can become violent and another can become depressed and suicidal makes it a slippery issue to deal with. Thank you for taking the time to explain how vioence impacted your life and made you the person you are. Marie

    Like

  5. Reblogged this on mariewilliams53 and commented:
    I have reblogged this post because it resonates with my “about” page. I am passionate about spreading the word that violence can never be the answer. It is the season of goodwill, and perhaps at this time more than any other time, we need to know that there many people who will not have a good time because they have a violent partner, parent etc. Rage and violence flares up (ironically) at this “peaceful” time. Sitting here on my pc is not going to solve the issue, but perhaps blogging about it will bring this to our awareness and if one violent person seeks help, I would feel my message is getting through. Forget about the present buying, the consumption of alcohol, the merrymaking for a moment and focus instead on the best gift of all – peace in our homes and our lives. Peace to all at this time and Season’s Greetings.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey you. Thanks for sharing. I really think you would greatly benefit from reading THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle. Yes, our comments are delayed…but look, we’re getting them. 🙂 Stay strong my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks Steven! I had completely forgotten about expecting a reply from you, so this is a surprise. I’ll try to get hold of that book and thank you for recommending it. You stay strong too, and bless you.

    Like

  8. I am impressed and deeply touched by the lines I just read. The worst thing for us always is that how much sorry we may be, it doesn’t change the past. Although we would give everything for that. I am sorry, that this all happened to make you go through this tunnel. But when I read your words I have to say that you have gained insights wich only little people outside of prison have. Whatever happened can’t be erased and as you say, you can only make it better. Your lines spread a lot of positive motivation. Thank you for following me and I am gladly following you back.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Alcohol is such a cruel mistress!! It kills relationships, families, and in your extreme case, innocent bystanders. I’m so glad the FDA reclassified alcohol as a gateway drug instead of cannabis. Best of luck on completing your lengthy term

    Liked by 1 person

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